Beauty and Terror

3-19-2006 - 4:53 p.m.

To avoid Lobsterfest during my upcoming trip to Arizona and Las Vegas, I decided to try my luck at tanning--yes, fake baking. My last tanning experience was years ago when I went on a cruise to the Bahamas in the dead of winter, and it worked out well-- so here I am again.

But this time, I am not using the nice, neat stand-up booths. No, this time I am forced to use the lay-down kind, and it's truly terrifying. First of all, I have no idea how to use the bed, but I am too embarrased to ask the teenage leatherface behind the counter for guidance. She had enough trouble with the cash register, so why should I entrust her instructions on using a piece of equipment that disperses carcinogens and requires protective eyegear for usage?

Once I figured out the logistics of the bed, I laid in and got comfy. The effect is tomb-like. A glowing, warm coffin. A million ways that this tanning session could go terribly wrong flashed through my mind. The top hatch could get stuck and I would never get out! I'd emerge wrinkled and platinum blonde! Or some mechanical problem could cause the machine to burst into super-heated flames, and I would roast like a weinie. A tan weinie! My eye-protector thingies could accidently slip off my face and my eyeballs could melt.

Just as I became convinced that I was never getting out this flourscent coffin alive, the machine benignly sighed and turned itself off. The hatch lifted automatically to release me from its steamy death grip. My back fat made a "sluuurcch" sound as I warily sat up. It reminded me of those alien moves where the humans emerge from their sleeping pods, only to find that three-headed aliens had set up shop in their intestines while they were sleeping. But I am pretty certain no extraterrestrials are living in my gut.

I stood up and looked in the mirror, pleased by the new freckles that had appeared over the bridge of my nose. A hanging ad on the wall caught my eye. "Next time, upgrade to the Mega Superbronzer, Chicago's favorite tanning bed" it cooed. I thought about the 15 minutes of terror that I had just endured. I glanced again at my newly bronzed face. "Yes, upgrade," I thought with glazed eyes, "I like that idea."

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