Rampage

12-12-2004 - 8:20 p.m.

I tried going Christmas shopping today, but the out-of-towners clogging Michigan Avenue made me want to rampage.

I envision a Monday morning headline in the Tribune, "Magnificent Mile Massacre: Local Woman Slaughters 75, Blames The American Girl Place Store". A photo of me is shown below, wild-eyed and clutching the scalp of a young girl in my right hand, claw-like.

Why can't they just shop in their own shitty malls? I know Michigan Avenue doesn't have a local monopoly on The Banana Republic.

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